My Miscarriage

I've dreamed of adding a new little one to our family for years now.  For one reason or another, it wasn't an option.  Either my body wasn't cooperating, or other circumstances didn't allow us to grow our family.  On January 9th, 2017 the stars aligned and I saw two lines on a pregnancy test.  As I stared at the test, in unbelief, I started to cry.  This was truly a dream come true.

I immediately called my doctor and set up an appointment to come in for an ultrasound.  I committed to eating super healthy and gave up my beloved Diet Coke (basically the truest act of love).  I started organizing the closet in the spare bedroom and took inventory of the baby items we would need to purchase.  I was so overcome with excitement that I couldn't help sharing my good news with anyone who would listen. For the next 10 days,  "I'm pregnant!" was cheerfully exclaimed through happy tears at least three times each day. After all these years, it was happening!

(my friend, Rachel, snapped this for me the day I found out I was expecting)
On January 19th I started bleeding.  My world fell down. I remember sobbing and pleading with God to protect my little one.  I promised I would do anything if I could keep him or her.  

I called my Doctor, and she recommended that I be on bed rest until they could figure out what was going on.  I ended up being on bed rest for almost a week.  This week was one of the most emotionally exhausting times in my life. My sweet mother took Ezra for me, and  I spent my days mostly crying or sleeping.  I had no idea what was going on.  All I knew was that this was bad.  I would either be losing the baby, or I would be potentially be on bed rest for a very long time.  Obviously I was praying for the latter of the two scenarios.  

The nurse at my doctor's office was very encouraging.  I was in contact with her almost every day, and she said she had a lot of hope for me.  My HCG levels weren't rising as high as they should be, but they were rising--which she said was a good thing.  And my bleeding wasn't super intense, so she said I could have torn something or maybe this was "implantation bleeding" or simply a normal pregnancy for me. Her hope gave me hope.  

On January 24th, I went in to my doctor for my ultrasound.  James and I were so excited to see our baby.  I remember seeing a poster advertising for 4D ultrasounds.  James and I started talking about how fun that would be to do in a few months.  

The ultrasound tech entered our little room and began to ask me some questions.  From the look on her face, I knew it wasn't good.  As she projected what she saw on the screen, my heart sunk.  The ultrasound showed nothing.  A black hole.  There was no baby.   

Hot tears streamed down my face as she told me to "be positive".  I couldn't be positive.  I couldn't do anything.  I brought my head into my lap and sobbed.  This was not what I thought the day would bring.  Images flashed through my brain of Ezra meeting the new baby, and late night feedings, and snuggling my sweet little bundle.  All of that was gone now.  In the course of 2 minutes, it was over.  

The rest of the day is kind of a blur.  James took the day off and we did a few things to try and take our mind off of our horrible morning, but at the end of the day there was nothing I could do to feel "okay" again.  I remember feeling broken.  Shattered.  Incomplete.  No matter how sweet James was, or how cuddly Ezra was, nothing could fix my heart.  

Seeking comfort, I posted on Facebook and Instagram what had happened. Within minutes, my phone started blowing up.  Over the next week I had literally hundreds of  people reach out to me through messages, phone calls, letters, and sweet gifts.  I remember one time, in particular, I was feeling so alone.  I prayed to Heavenly Father and specifically asked him to send me comfort.  A few minutes later I opened my front door to find a precious gift from a dear friend.  This pattern continued for days.  I count every single one of those people who acted on promptings to brighten my day as my angels.  I don't think I would have been able to function on any sort of "normal" level without the thoughtfulness of these amazing friends and family members.  

It has now been 12 days.  I have tried really hard to be gentle with myself.  To let myself mourn and grieve.  But that doesn't come easily to me.  I have the worst "mom guilt" on the planet and often find myself feeling like a failure because I am emotionally (and physically some days) unable to be the fun mom I prefer to be to Ezra.  But things are slowly getting easier.  

I think miscarriage is something that doesn't get talked about enough.  I share my experience because as soon as I saw that empty ultrasound my mind searched for friends who had shared what this had been like for them.  Reading other's stories is therapeutic for me.  It helped me to know that it was okay to be sad . . . really sad.  And it also helped me to know that life goes on after.  That healing does happen.  That I'm not "broken".

Miscarriage has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through, but it has taught me a lot.  It has brought me and my husband closer together.  It has shown me how many people truly care about me.  And it has given me empathy that I could never have developed on my own.  While I would never wish this upon anyone, I do see the blessing in the trial.  It is definitely not something I want to go through ever again, but knowing what I know now, it is something that I can get through.  And if you're going through it . . . you can too.


  1. Beautifully written Chelsea! It really touched my heart. Keep being patient with yourself- it takes a long time to learn to manage the grief. My prayers are with you.

  2. Thank you for sharing about your loss. I wish women didn't have to suffer through miscarriages. I am so sorry.

  3. I appreciate your story. You're right... miscarriages are not talked about enough. I had a miscarriage at the end of September last year. I chose to keep to myself and grieve alone and it was so hard. It totally helps me to know that others have gone through the same trials. �� Hugs to you, my friend.
    Caitlin Taylor

  4. Beautiful post Chelsea! I am so sorry that you had to experience such a sad thing!! My heart goes out to you!

  5. once again, beautiful post. I love you so much chels! ♥️♥️♥️